


Lonely Worlds

by TurnUps



Category: Subarashiki Kono Sekai | The World Ends With You
Genre: Banter, Bickering, Deep Conversations, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Graffitti, I drop the f bomb once or twice and thats the only reason its rated t, M/M, Much needed conversations, PTSD, Sharing Headphones, Slow Burn, Snark, What Is Their Relationship, coffee dates, conversations characters should have had, going back to normal living and struggling with it, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27648643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TurnUps/pseuds/TurnUps
Summary: The game is over, and everyone else is moving on. But Neku can't. He finds himself hanging around Wildkat, because he still has questions for Joshua. Lots of questions. And the more that get answered, the more time they spend together, the more he figures out exactly what it is he feels towards the Composer.*First chapter is an in-between scene at the end of the second week. The rest talk about how Neku copes after being dead for three weeks and unable to stop thinking about Joshua Kiryu.
Relationships: Kiryu "Joshua" Yoshiya/Sakuraba Neku
Comments: 16
Kudos: 82





	1. One

One

“There’s not going to be a mission today.”

Joshua was staring at him, and there was disdain in his voice. As though Neku being worried about the game – about surviving – was an annoying bore. He was watching with heavy lidded eyes, as they sat in the café and waited for Hanekoma to finish – whatever it was he was doing to Joshua’s phone.

“I don’t trust your judgement,” Neku said. He continued staring at his phone screen. As if that would make one appear. It made him uneasy. More uneasy than it should. No mission meant a day off.

The last ‘day off’ had meant Rhyme getting erased.

Besides, whatever Joshua was poking around in, made it all seem so much more – wrong. As if he’d bribed the Reapers to give him time off for this mission of his own. And maybe he had – Neku hadn’t forgot what one of them said that first day – “you’re a player this time around?”

What was Joshua last time around? Did Neku really want to know?

“But you trust _me_?” Joshua asked. He was messing around with a pair of chopsticks in front of him. The disposable kind. Pulling the ends apart, but not enough so that they would snap.

Neku just grunted. He did. Trust _him_. Just slightly. But he’d rather get his teeth pulled than admit that out loud.

Joshua raised an eyebrow at that, and they fell, mercifully, back into silence. At least, for a moment, before Joshua sighed, loudly. He sounded like a spoilt brat not being entertained enough, and it made Neku grit his teeth.

He ignored him, turning his music up just slightly. Focusing on familiar words and a familiar beat. After Shiki, he didn’t want to shut the world out as much, anymore. He wanted to try letting some of it in. Not this kid, though.

This kid who was still watching him. Arms folded now, as though he was angry Neku hadn’t told him to stop messing with the cutlery.

“Does your mp3 work here?” he asked.

Neku could have made it easy. Given a simple answer. But he couldn’t. Just the way he was being stared at – as though he was a bug under a microscope, set him on edge. Everything about this boy did.

That was why he snapped, “why don’t you tell me, since you know so much about the RG and the UG?”

Beat would have risen to the bait. Would have snapped back at him and tried to start a fight in the street. Joshua, on the other hand, looked less than impressed. He flicked at the bottom of his hair, even though it wasn’t in the way.

“If you’re going to be catty I’ll just sit here for the rest of the week,” he said, uncaring. But he smirked, slightly. “What would you do, then? Carry me around?”

Oh, there was nothing that wouldn’t be better than throwing Joshua over his shoulder like a backpack and making his own way around Shibuya. But he’d still be able to talk. That was the part Neku didn’t want to deal with.

Besides – he didn’t think Joshua was imagining a fireman’s lift. The thought of carrying him any other way made his skin feel warm and itchy. No doubt, he’d get giggles in his ear every other second.

No, if he wanted to finish this week, he’d have to be civil.

“My mp3 works,” he said.

That interested Joshua. He perked up – leant forward a little, like he was reeling in a fish. “What are you listening to?”

Neku didn’t answer. He didn’t really want to say. His music was his music and that was his business. Private. Things that meant everything to him and as soon as he tried to explain it to someone else, things went wrong. People didn’t understand – couldn’t understand – his world. Or what any of it meant to him. They just didn’t _get_ it, and he was tired of making them try.

Besides, he wasn’t proud of all of the stuff he listened to. Some songs were guilty pleasures. Things that he couldn’t admit to having on his mp3.

“You can’t tell me?” Joshua asked, in a mock-hurt tone. When Neku ignored that as well – looking to the door in the back to see if Hanekoma was _finally_ done, Joshua frowned. “You can’t even hear me.”

He reached across then. With all the impetuousness of a child, upset that they weren’t being paid attention to. All Neku could see was the hands. Hands coming towards him – his world –

Fuck being civil.

He pushed Joshua’s wrists away with his own. Hard. His heart was racing as he stared at him – as though he had gone mad.

“Don’t touch,” he snapped. Growled.

Joshua’s thin eyebrows raised. There was still a smirk at the corner of his lips, as though the slap didn’t bother him. That was what was truly annoying. He looked like a cat toying with a pigeon.

“Yes, sir.” His voice was almost a purr as well.

“I _can_ hear you.”

“Answer me, then.”

Neku thought about it. “I’m listening to music.”

Joshua’s eyes narrowed. “ _Catty_.”

And Neku wondered if that was deliberate. If he used ‘Catty’ because it was a reference to CAT, but he was probably being paranoid.

Joshua watched him closely for another second, before he leant back in his chair, every bit as uncaring as before.

“Do you want food?” he asked. “The Bouillabaisse is good.”

“I'm fine.”

Joshua didn’t seem to hear him. “What about a coffee? Get that energy up.”

“I don’t know if you can have any energy when you're dead." And you killed me. How could he offer coffee like nothing had happened? How could he even sit there and look Neku in the eye?

“You're not all dead.” Joshua fiddled with the end of a curl, lips quirking. “Only mostly dead.”

Neku raised an eyebrow. “You know how to cheer someone up.”

“Well, you could be all dead.” He flicked the curl into motion. “So, count your blessings.”

“One.” Against a dozen curses.

“You have a great partner.”

He crossed his arms. “Still one.”

“I'm strong.” Joshua did the same. “And you know it.”

Neku considered for a moment. Knowing that he had a point – Joshua’s strength was going to get them through to the end of the week – but he would not admit that.

“One and a half,” he said.

Joshua smiled. Like a cat playing with a mouse, and that put Neku on edge. “Oh, this will be a fun week.”

He sighed. “You're telling me.”

Joshua chuckled. Giggled. Whatever, it increased that feeling of being on edge. There was so much more going on with Joshua – a web stretching out between him, the reapers and the composers. Neku was just a fly in it. Just wanted out.

But Joshua was intent on dragging him back in.

*

Joshua said it whilst they were stood in Pork City. The first floor. Just as Neku had his finger over the elevator button, ready to go up. Ready to end all of this. And he really shouldn’t have said anything, because saying anything was a waste of time. Time was what they never had enough of. But there was just something _in_ Joshua’s voice. Something that niggled at Neku’s _own_ buttons – “It’s funny.”

So he turned, and hissed, “I’m not laughing.”

Joshua chuckled. No, it was more of a giggle. He giggled and put a hand over his mouth and looked at Neku out of the corner of his eye and it got his back up – like a cat raising its hackles. And he was just about to snap at him to stop, when Joshua shook his head – pale curls swaying with the movement.

“You never do,” Joshua said. It made Neku pause – frown – try to explain that he _did_ – but did he? “Fine, then. It’s strange.”

Neku took his finger away from the elevator button, and crossed his arms. The two reapers were still in the room, looking at each other, but it was clear that they were listening in. Nothing like player drama to relieve boredom.

“What’s strange?” Neku asked.

Joshua tilted his head. Still with that sneaky little smile that made his eyes glint. “You can still sync with me. Even though you think I killed you.”

Neku remembered. He _knew._ Joshua had pulled the trigger – shot a gun straight at his head. What else was there to it? There was no thinking needed. His hackles were well and truly raised now – he felt like the ginger tom that lived in Udagawa – that fluffed itself to twice its height whenever a dog came by it.

He jammed the button. Joshua was still watching him. Still smiling. As though he was something fun to poke with a stick.

So Neku forced himself to shrug, and to not seem bothered. “Guess I’m just used to fighting with you.”

“Even though I changed my attacks just the other day?”

The elevator pinged, and the doors opened. Much too slow for Neku’s liking. They had wasted enough time already, and now Joshua was going on about syncs instead of focusing. He stepped inside, folding his arms again. It felt safe like that. Like there was a wall between them.

Joshua leant against the side of the door, and didn’t step in.

Neku waited.

The doors began closing.

Joshua pressed against them, forcing them to open back up for him.

“Get in.” Did Neku really have to spell it out?

Joshua watched him. With those dark eyes. Dark eyes with a glint in them. His arms were folded too, but on him it looked relaxed. As though he could be here all day. Well, Neku figured, _he_ could. There were no stakes in the game for _him_. _He_ was alive.

“I think you still trust me, Neku,” Joshua said. His voice was always silky, but now it had a determination behind it. Like he knew that he was right, without a doubt. “Even though you remember your death, you trust me. That’s why we can still sync.”

Well, he wasn’t right. Not at all.

“We can still sync because we’re still partners and we’re still fighting noise,” Neku snapped. He ignored the strange twinge in his stomach. He tapped his foot, as a reminder that time was of the essence. “That’s all there is to it.”

“You’re not that kind of person,” Joshua said. Just as calm as ever. As though Neku – and Shiki’s – lives weren’t hanging in the balance. “If you didn’t trust me, you wouldn’t fight with me –”

“It’s not like I have any choice,” Neku was almost growling now.

The doors tried to close again, and Joshua still pushed his shoulder against them to hold them open.

“Not so synchronised.” Joshua flicked his head, to clear hair off his face. “You’re a powerful player with those pins of yours. You could ignore me and fight the noise by yourself – finish them before they could even touch me.”

Neku had enough. He’d had enough before this conversation started. So, he stepped forward and grabbed Joshua’s arm, tugging him into the elevator and jamming the close doors button before the snake had a chance to wiggle away.

But Joshua had let him. Stood like a limp weight in Neku’s grasp. Still watching. No longer smiling. His look was calculating instead. Analysing Neku’s facial expression like he was an equation to be worked out – funny, considering how much this kid insisted other people couldn’t understand each other.

“What’s the real reason?” Joshua asked, as the doors finally – _finally_ – closed. “You might as well tell me, since it’s the last day, and I doubt we’ll ever see each other in the RG.”

Neku wasn’t so sure about that. He had a feeling this kid would follow him, wherever he went. Watching and calculating and giggling.

“You know my little secret,” Joshua continued. He took the hand that was still gripping his arm – took Neku’s wrist with long fingers and though there was a moment he resisted, Joshua’s hand was convincing. He let his hand be pressed against Joshua’s chest. He could feel his heart beating – still quick from the last fight.

The elevator had begun moving. The swoop in his stomach from that got confused with a different feeling.

It was another reminder. Joshua was alive. Neku was dead. He’d stay dead if they didn’t hustle. He didn’t have a heartbeat, he had the tick of a clock on his palm.

Neku took his hand away. Rather, Joshua let him take his hand away. He wasn’t strong, but he had a kind of persuasion to him. Like he could get Neku to do anything he wanted, if he stared into those dark eyes long enough. So, he looked away. At the carpet beneath them, well-trodden by many shoes. Live people’s shoes.

He put his hands in his pockets. As though Joshua had marked him and he wanted to hide it. Just as the elevator stopped, he said, quietly, “trust your partner.”

There was a loud ding as the doors opened, revealing the second floor of Pork City. Neither of them moved.

“Hm?” Joshua tilted his head to the side. So that his hair titled down, curls catching cheap electric light.

“Mr Hanekoma said – trust your partner,” Neku said. He couldn’t really hear himself, because this floor was full of noise. A static-like sound that invaded his brain and made it hard to think. Hard to hear. He ducked further into his headphones – further into his collar. “That’s what keeps you alive in the game, no matter what.”

“Mr Hanekoma, huh?” Joshua looked out into the hallway, almost bored. But Neku knew that look – that was a thinking look. When had he started noticing all of this? They really were in sync – Neku could read Joshua’s expressions like a book. He scowled at the idea of any connection between them – he didn’t want to be buddies with his killer – just as Joshua’s lips quirked upwards. “And because of him, you trust me.”

“Well –” Neku clenched his fists. It reminded him of the timer. Fight. Pins. He glanced at his phone, as he stepped out of the elevator and into the hall – the new features made it clear that only a certain brand would work here – he fished some out of his pocket to change them. “If he thinks there’s something in you worth trusting. He has good judgement. Maybe the best of anyone in this game.”

There was a giggle. A giggle that sent Neku’s hackles right back up. He glanced up from flicking through his pins to see Joshua at the elevator doors, smirking. He blinked up at him with dark lashes.

“Oh, _Neku_ – I’m flattered.”

Neku rolled his eyes. And ducked his chin further into his collar. Continued selecting the pins he would need. Maybe he should care about fashion more – he’d barely used D&B and he didn’t have time to learn them.

Block the noise in his head out – block Joshua out. Focus on the pins.

Bad move. He didn’t even hear Joshua sneak back in front of him.

But then there he was. With a low, soft voice. “Want some help there, partner?”

Neku was right – there was some kind of spell on this kid – because he completely froze. Froze when he should have been flinching away. When he should have pushed Joshua away. Pushed his killer away.

But he didn’t. He stayed still, one hand still full of pins, as Joshua started releasing the pins on his collar. Long fingers with a careful touch. Piano. The kind of hands that would be good on a piano.

Hands of a killer. His killer.

A boy only slightly shorter than him. An inch at most. His eyes were on the pins, so that those dark eyelashes fanned over his cheeks. That yellow lighting cast feathery shadows from them. He’d been called pretty boy, and maybe that had been accurate. He really did look like some kind of model – his clearly mixed heritage helped with that.

There were reapers on this floor too. Watching, Neku knew. He heard one of them mumble that it was “always nice when players helped each other out. So very human.”

Joshua looked up. Pink lips curved into that same self-righteous smile that always made Neku’s brain spark with annoyance. He held the pins in his hand.

“Where do you want these?” he asked. Still in that low voice.

“I’ll take ‘em,” Neku muttered. He snatched them back, and shoved them into his pocket. Didn’t check the backs – one was open, and he felt a scratch on his palm. “And I can put them on by myself.”

Joshua stepped back, shoving his hands in his back pockets and titling his chin up. “You should have said something, then, shouldn’t you?”

Maybe Neku did want the counter on his hand to move faster. Then he didn’t have to spend so much time with him. Maybe erasure was better than one moment more of this snotty attitude. He busied himself with replacing his pins. The noise pressed at his temples – spreading their static and making it harder and harder to concentrate.

“You’re cold, Neku,” Joshua said. He didn’t look up. Didn’t want to. “You feel cold.”

“Yeah, well.” Neku fixed a pin on. “I’m dead. Did you forget?”

“Never.” There was a slight giggle, that Neku killed with a glare, as he fixed a second pin on. “Isn’t it interesting – being in limbo like this? Cold, with no heartbeat, but very much alive?”

“Fascinating.” Neku let sarcasm drip from his tongue. He took a third pin, and Joshua laughed again, and shook his head.

“Most people would kill to know what you know about the afterlife, you know?”

“People like you.”

“And yet you still trust me. Your partner. You trust your partner, Neku. You admitted it.”

Neku just made a sound like a growl in the back of his throat.

One of the reapers muttered something about players actually fighting noise instead of standing around ‘flirting.’

Neku glanced at them. Then closed his eyes and concentrated on the static. Found the noise symbol within it and felt his gut squirm as he pulled it to him.

He still didn’t understand how that worked. But he knew he could do it. Knew that opening his eyes to find himself in that strange black and white limbo was much better than continuing that conversation.

Neku did trust Joshua. But for some reason he’d rather be dead for real than admit it to his face. There was just something about that sly smile that he couldn’t face being honest with.

He concentrated on his pins. On drawing power from them, as second nature as breathing now, and attacking the noise.

That was why Joshua’s voice threw him off. As he levitated near Neku – a hand out to send a beam of light down on the noise around them – and asked, “and your previous partner – did you have feelings for her too?”

There was a lurch in him. A lurch that froze him in place as the noise – the penguin kind – launched towards him. It got closer – but he couldn’t move, because that question was still stuck in the forefront of his mind.

Feelings? For Shiki?

A beam of light came down. Sent the noise flying backwards.

Saved Neku.

He was still in his ear. Very close.

“ _Careful,_ Neku.”

He darted away – acted as though he was just doing that to get closer to the noise. Held out a hand to shoot at them.

“What the hell kind of question is that?” he asked, over the sound of the battle.

Joshua raised an eyebrow. His hair was floating around him, and he looked ethereal. A pretty boy with a pretty face, floating and surrounded by a white glow. Shame about his personality.

“A question about your emotions for – Shiki, was it?” Joshua tilted his head to one side, not looking as he sent another beam down onto the noise. “Your entry fee. Do you care about all of your partners that much?” Neku didn’t answer. Focused on the fight in front of them. But he had already taken out two of the noise, and there was only one left. “If you get entered next week, will I be your fee?”

His lips twisted. “Don’t count on it.”

Why did he feel the need to glance across? Just to see Joshua press a hand to his chest, blinking as though offended.

“Oh, so callous.”

Neku blinked. And in the next moment they were stood back in the corridor. There was the familiar feeling of light headedness from dimension hopping. He kept his hands over his handphones whilst the feeling went away.

“That’s me,” he said.

Joshua was next to him. Fiddling with his phone.

“Is it?” His lips quirked to one side. “I don’t think you are. Anymore.”

“What would you know?”

“That you _trust_ me.” Joshua stepped in front of him. Looked up with that one-sided smirk. They were almost nose to nose, and it felt like Joshua was daring Neku to move away. He didn’t – wouldn’t be intimidated away. Just clenched his jaw and stayed there.

“Can we get on with the mission now?” he asked, because there was still noise on this floor. Noise driving his mind crazy and that was why his heart was racing so much. Why he felt so – offkey.

There was that giggle.

“Sure,” Joshua said. And patted Neku’s cheek. Twice. Like he was patting a stray dog. “Ready when you are, my dear.”

Neku retreated further into his collar, feeling very warm all over. Warm and prickly.

The end of this week could not come soon enough.

*

It hit him when he woke up in the Scramble. The memory. His memory.

Joshua hadn't killed Neku. He had saved him.

He ran his hands through his hair – almost knocked his headphones off – clamped his hands over his ears to stop them moving. Focused on the beat of the music.

Now Joshua was gone. Really gone.

He was full of guilt – guilt that he would never be able to say sorry, guilt that Joshua sacrificed himself. But he was also angry. Because he very well could have said something before. And it was just so like him to let Neku hate him, whilst he laughed behind his back.

It had always just been a game to Joshua.


	2. 2

Two

It turned out, now that he remembered all of it, that Joshua had actually killed Neku. In a way, it made him glad that he never got to apologise for thinking that he hadn’t. That he could keep that ball of anger.

And yet – he had to say _something_. He had to say a lot, actually. There were so many things, even from that last week, that he’d wanted to tell or ask Joshua. Now that he was out of the game, now that he was confident Joshua wouldn’t kill him again – he would be able to. To finally sort out why he died a month ago.

The problem was, he couldn’t see him. Anywhere.

He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. The game was over. Neku was back in the RG, away from reapers and angels and noise. That was all stuff he shouldn’t be thinking about. Joshua was back to running it, or whatever it was the Composer did – since it had run for three weeks without him. He was back in the UG.

Hidden.

But not quite.

Now that Neku knew about them, he could see the emblems on the sides of buildings. It made him feel uncomfortable. Made him stare at the teenagers in shops, and wondered whether they were living or dead. Whether they had timers on their hands and worried about fighting noise.

If Joshua was in one of those buildings – browsing through Hip Snake or ordering ramen – then Neku would be able to see him. But he wasn’t there.

And yet, there was one place that he was sure Joshua would appear. Sooner or later.

It was why he sat in the very empty Wildkat café every day after school. For at least an hour. Sometimes more. He’d order a black coffee because it was the cheapest thing on the menu, and it meant that Hanekoma couldn’t throw him out.

He wasn’t a big fan of it. Generally, he only drunk half before heading home.

It had been two weeks since the game. And Joshua hadn’t appeared so far. Was probably giggling at Neku’s attempts from wherever he was perched.

But Neku had to see him. He had questions – so many questions – and they kept him up half the night. Made his mind wander in class. Questions about the game, about Joshua’s plan – important things. And then less important things. Things about how much was real – the real Joshua – and how much was fake. If the friends part – if he could call it that – was real.

“Don’t think he’s coming today, phones,” Hanekoma said. He took Neku’s mug, knowing that he wouldn’t drink any more of it, and turned to tip it into the sink.

Neku had never mentioned why came to the café. He scowled at the table, because this was the feeling he’d had for his month in the game. The feeling that he was caught up in a web that he couldn’t see.

“He’s playing a game with me, isn’t he?” he muttered.

Hanekoma smiled. Like he was a teacher and his student had just guessed right on a quiz.

“He always is.”

Neku should have expected that. Should have expected that this wouldn’t be easy. But he’d known that he had to try. Because there was so much – so much he wondered about that he didn’t have answers too and he needed them. Shiki didn’t like to talk about it – not much at all, she’d change the subject quickly, saying it was best to move on. Rhyme didn’t remember a lot. Beat always got too het up – started yelling but not giving any answers or thought to it. Everyone was trying to forget about it. Forget about being dead.

There were only two people he could talk to about it all.

“Tell me – why would you save Beat?” Neku asked, looking up and into those mysterious, dark. “Why him and not anyone else who’s partner got erased?”

Hanekoma shrugged. He was wiping out a teacup.

“It’s rare that happens. The Reapers were being vindictive that day.”

“But you didn’t have to save him,” Neku pressed.

“I liked him. He was your friend.”

And if he wasn’t? Neku didn’t have the bravery to answer that question. He didn’t know if he would want the answer.

“Did you know he’d become a reaper?”

Hanekoma put the teacup down. Started on another one, even though Neku hadn’t seen either of them be used.

“I can’t predict the future,” he said.

It made Neku roll his eyes. “Oh, that’s where your powers stop?”

“Careful with the cheek.” Hanekoma raised an eyebrow. There was the ghost of a warning in his voice. A reminder that he was still a very powerful man, even if Neku was alive.

So he ducked his head like a scolded child. Watched Hanekoma as he empty the coffee grounds from the little holder and set to work making another one, even though the place was still empty.

Neku watched his hands work. The same hands that had created the murals that he loved – that had changed his life. The one where he had lost his life.

This man was a mystery. Never giving away how much he knew and it made it seem like he knew everything. But he couldn’t. No one did, not even the Composer.

“Did you know?” Neku meant ‘care,’ instead. “That I was a big fan of CAT?”

Both eyebrows raised now, as though Neku had surpassed his expectations.

“Talkative today, aren’t we?” Haekoma asked.

“I have questions. Since the Game.” Neku tapped the counter. Tapped out a beat because he still couldn’t get used to having one. Still marvelled at the heartbeat in his chest and that he was alive. “I have a lot of questions.”

Hanekoma was starting the machine up again. So that almost black liquid pattered down into a tiny teacup.

“I’d seen you by my murals.” He didn’t turn around. “A lot. Saw your body there.”

Neku’s body. What had Joshua said? ‘Cold, with no heartbeat, but very much alive.’ The thought was – uncomfortable. Painful, even. But it was like a bruise. He had to keep poking it.

“You were my hero,” he said instead.

Hanekoma half turned, then. His fingers were also tapping the counter. “Were?”

Were. Because it was so hard now. To look at those murals and not see Mr Hanekoma instead of CAT. To not think about those three weeks of fear and anger and confusion. To not be transported back to that black and white room with a gun in his hand and a chest exploding with a dozen emotions.

Yes, he was enjoying every day, but because he knew what it was like to lose them completely.

“I – how do I keep going?” Neku asked. “Knowing what I know? About you? And Joshua? And death?”

Hankeoma peered at him from over his shades. One eyebrow still raised.

“You’ve been back more than a week. How’d you get this far?”

Neku knew what the answer should be. What CAT would say. What Mr Hanekoma would say.

Yet there was a strange taste in his mouth as he said, “enjoy every moment.”

“You don’t need my advice. You know that.” Mr Hanekoma was smiling, and it was a warm kind of smile. Like a cool teacher, or a young dad.

“But.” Neku rested his head in his hands, because it felt as though it was going to explode. It still ached, to remember everything from that last day. It was confusing and terrifying and it should be forgotten about, but it couldn’t be. “You’re CAT.”

“Here.” Mr Hanekoma put the espresso in front of him. “You need it. And maybe tomorrow you’ll see him.”

Joshua. Neku didn’t even know what he was going to say when he did – and he would. He would make sure of that.

He took a tiny sip from the small cup and grimaced, which made Mr Hanekoma chuckle.

“You want to hang out here, you have to learn to drink good coffee,” he said. And nudged it back to Neku.

“Why would I want to hang out in an empty café?”

“Why indeed?”

Neku stared at the puddle of black in front of him. It reflected the lights overhead. They hung low, in wide, metal lampshades. The smell was good – the taste was not.

But he did want to hang out here. Even if Joshua wasn’t, he wanted to be around CAT.

So he picked up the expresso, and downed it in one go.

*

It was another week before hands covered Neku’s ears as he sat in the corner of Wildkat. Suddenly. Warm hands – they were always warm – with long fingers. Perfect for playing the piano.

He froze. Listening to the sound of blood in his ears.

The hands dropped, onto his shoulders instead and there was a voice very close to him. Close enough that he could feel warm breath on his cheeks.

“You lost the headphones,” Joshua’s voice murmured.

Neku didn’t move. He closed his eyes for a moment, because he needed to check that this was not a hallucination.

“I expanded my world,” he replied.

The hands disappeared, and found himself wishing they’d stayed. This boy knew nothing about personal space, and yet Neku didn’t mind so much. Could he say that he’d missed that? No one else was like that. Touchy. But then, no one else was connected to him in the way that they were.

Joshua stepped around him, plopping himself down in the opposite chair. He lounged against the back of it, dark eyes looking Neku over. He was the same. Exactly the same. Every wave just as pale as it was before, and that smirk just as hackle-raising.

Neku hadn’t known what he would do when they met again. He had imagined a hundred conversations, this going a hundred different ways, from him hugging Joshua to punching him in the face. And now that he was here – he was just – stuck. Trapped in a dozen different ‘what-if’s.’

“You’re angry at me,” Joshua said. Still tilted his head so that his curls hung to one side.

Neku tapped his fingers on the table. Just to get them to do something, “Should I not be?”

Joshua shrugged. It was a miniscule, uncaring movement.

“You’re alive,” he said. “You have your world.”

“Is the UG still…” Neku trailed off. Still tapping. Now the questions were coming in full force, and he had to ask them. Had to wonder how many teenagers in clothes shops didn’t have a heartbeat.

“Yes.” Joshua looked bored. He was looking over to the bar, where Mr Hanekoma was busy organising teacups. “And no.”

There it was. The same frustration he always felt talking to this boy. Had he really missed this?

“What’s that meant to mean?”

Joshua played with a strand of his hair. Pulling it straight and letting it bounce back up. “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you.”

Neku paused. For half a second. “Don’t you trust your partner?”

His foot had nudged Joshua’s of its own accord. Maybe that, rather than the words, was what made his dark eyes flick to Neku. Stay there, his lips slightly parted, like he was surprised.

As if anything could really surprise him.

“You trust me,” Neku continued.

Joshua’s lips quirked upwards. “Do I?”

“Sync goes both ways, Joshua.” It was probably the first time he’d said his name aloud, and it made those lips quirk to one side further. Pleased. “If you didn’t trust me, we wouldn’t have been able to sync.”

There was a moment, where dark eyes looked over him. Maybe with the air of being slightly impressed. Definitely calculating. Always calculating how useful Neku could be.

“Hm,” Joshua eventually said, leaning back in his chair and looking to the bar.

“What happened to the UG?” Neku pressed.

“Wiped it clean.” Bored, again. “Started from scratch.”

It shouldn’t have hurt Neku as much as it did. After all, half the reapers he knew – 777 – were erased. Most of the players he knew – apart from the ones now alive – were erased. Most of the others he had despised.

But not everyone.

“What about Lollipop?” He leant forward as he asked.

And fell right into Joshua’s trap. Because he took that moment to lean forward too, raising a hand to touch the end of Neku’s hair. The edge of his bangs – just by his jaw.

“Have I ever mentioned that your nicknames for the reapers are so cute?” Joshua’s voice was sweet. That kind of sickly sweet that made Neku grind his teeth together.

“Mm.” He’d learnt enough in their week together to know not to move. Not to give him the satisfaction of seeing him uncomfortable.

Which seemed to disappoint Joshua. He waved a hand, and sighed. “He’s fine. So’s Yashiro. Why?”

Neku shrugged. There wasn’t much point in explaining, when he didn’t even understand himself. And did he need to explain when Joshua most likely saw the whole thing? Or had it reported to him? For some reason, Neku cared about those two reapers. That was all.

That wasn’t satisfying to Joshua either – good, Neku thought, since his answers have hardly been stellar – he narrowed his eyes.

“Mr H tells me that you come here every day.”

Neku didn’t miss a beat. “I have questions for you.”

A shrug of narrow shoulders that held the world up. “Everyone does.”

“I have more than other people.”

“And that’s what everyone says.” Joshua’s tone was light. Airy. Uncaring. But when Neku stayed, his eyes fixed on him as though he was chipping away at him, he relented. Looked down with something of a frown, as though this wasn’t worth the time. Maybe it wasn’t to him, Neku didn’t care. “Fine. But I have questions for you too, Neku.”

He still said his name like that. As though it was a funny nickname. Drawing it out slightly.

Neku’s stomach still did something weird at that. “Fine.”

“Can I listen to your music?” An all too familiar ‘I’m winding you up,’ smirk.

“I don’t have my phones on me.”

Another shrug. “Bring them next time.”

“When’s next time?” Neku didn’t want to admit it, but his heart leapt. More answers.

“Same time next week?” Oh, Joshua’s smile said that he knew he had Neku like a fish on a hook.

“Fine,” he snapped. “Why?”

“Why what?”

They were still both leant in. Neither had moved, and Neku could feel Joshua’s breath on his cheeks. Just faintly.

“Why me?”

It was the two words that he’d been asking from day one. His mouth was dry, his palms were damp and his heart was on his tongue at the answer.

“You said it,” Joshua said. His voice was low and soft, like a cat’s purr. “We’re similar. We had similar outlooks on the world. I wanted someone like me to represent me.” There had been a sparkle in his eye, only noticeable because it went out. A finger tapping his jaw. “But you changed, didn’t you?”

That was it. Because Neku had hated the world and Joshua had too. That should have made him feel satisfied. But it didn’t. If he was honest, he’d put those pieces together himself. And yet, he’d thought there would be something more. Something better. Something that didn’t compare them.

He didn’t want to hate everyone, anymore.

“The world starts with me,” he said, because that was how he changed.

Joshua pulled away. And it felt like there were miles between them, suddenly. He didn’t look at Neku, and it seemed to be an admission.

“And you changed my mind. You let other people in.”

“That was it?” Why did Neku still feel so frustrated? “That was why you brought us all back? It was just – me?”

“You exceeded my expectations.” His voice was so smooth – as though he had known exactly what Neku would say. Maybe he did. Maybe he always had.

“You could bring _everyone_ back,” he said. Because his mind was stuck on Sota and Nao – as much as they’d aggravated him in the beginning – they didn’t deserve to die. They had _lives_. “At the end of each game.”

“What’s the fun in that?”

“You’d let people die.” Neku’s voice was harsh now. Accusatory.

But it didn’t seem to affect Joshua. He barely raised an eyebrow. “Not everyone can have a second chance. Could you imagine?” He shook his head, as though it was incredulous to save anyone but the people he liked. “It just can’t work that way.”

“You can _make_ it work that way.” Otherwise, what was the point of having a composer?

Joshua paused. Just for a moment. It seemed as though he was trying to stop himself from grinning. “What if I said not everyone deserves a second chance?”

“No –”

“So, someone who sits back and lets everyone else do the missions? Runs from every fight? Do they deserve a second chance?” Joshua’s voice hardened. For the first time, it sounded like he cared, at least a little, about what they were talking about. “When they haven’t grown? Haven’t learnt? Haven’t wanted it enough?”

Neku didn’t reply. No, he wanted to say. But on principle, he thought. The Neku of a month or so ago would have agreed. Was it fair? If everyone that first week was brought back? Wasn’t that why he cared so much about the players in the first place – _because_ the game was unfair. Because he and Shiki had worked so hard – at the expense of others – to not win.

But did it matter? Did it matter if someone didn’t want to fight? Couldn’t figure out the missions? Did that really make them unworthy of a second chance?

He just couldn’t think like that anymore.

“Besides, bringing everyone back defeats the purpose of a game,” Joshua continued.

“Why have a game at all?”

“To test people. You had a test, Neku. And you passed.”

“You brought all four of us back.” Neku and Shiki and Beat and Rhyme.

There was that uncaring shrug again. Maybe he really didn’t think anything of their lives.

“Shiki won the game. And Beat makes me laugh. Why not give him his little sister? Since he went to all that trouble.” Joshua paused. He flicked his hair away from his face and raised a haughty eyebrow. “A thank you would be nice.”

That made Neku’s blood boil. But then, Joshua always had that habit.

And he had missed that, hadn’t he? Someone who truly pushed his buttons. He liked his friends, but they didn’t have this friction between them. The same – something. If it was one of them, who had saved them all, he would say thank you without any hesitation. But it was Joshua, and Joshua didn’t do it to be kind.

“Do you really want me to say it?”

Joshua rested his chin on his palm, smirking. “I do.”

Neku raised an eyebrow. “Or you’ll shoot me in the head?”

The smirk widened. And that just made Neku’s skin prickle. And yet – the idea that he could very well do that, gave him some caution.

“Well – thanks,” Neku muttered. He kept his face as buried in his collar as he could.

Joshua’s eyes softened, and glittered. He was still smirking, and his free hand came up to touch Neku’s hair again. Just the spikes. And Neku felt that he was being toyed with.

Well, what else was new?

“You’re very welcome, my dear.” Joshua kept messing with his hair.

Until Neku batted his hand away, like a cat who’d decided they had enough of being petted by a small child.

“I’m still angry,” he said. “I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you.”

He didn’t know _how_ to. How was he supposed to begin, when he’d never liked Joshua in the first place? And definitely not the way he was still smiling so widely. Still had his fingers in the air, like he was waiting for the cat to come back to him.

“But you’ll be here,” Joshua almost sang it. “Same time next week.”

And they both knew that was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N): The chapters do get a bit longer, lol  
> Thanks so much for the support so far - I hope this was a good addition! <3 xx


	3. Three

Three

Seven days. It was seven days after he saw Joshua for the first time since he’d shot him the second time. Neku sat at the same chair, in Wildkat. It wasn’t empty – there were people at another table, but it was two hoodies and Neku suspected they were Reapers.

He was paying attention this time. Saw Joshua come in – and wave at him, with that same wide smile he always had when he wanted to annoy Neku. He ordered a black coffee and a hot chocolate from Mr Hanekoma, and handed the hot chocolate to Neku.

He would have objected, but he still couldn’t stand black coffee. Sophistication was a bullshit excuse – it was pretentious. They were being pretentious, by drinking it.

Joshua held out his hand.

Neku shook his head. His headphones were in his bag, but he was not going to hand them over to Joshua. Not yet. There were still too many questions he needed answers to. Depending on them, he would let Joshua into his world.

“Next time,” Joshua said, and that had been part of it too. He had needed to make sure that Joshua would come back.

“What was I to you?” Neku asked.

“Hm?” Joshua blinked at him. Uninterested.

Neku hadn’t touched the hot chocolate. The whipped cream was making it bubble over, onto the saucer.

“Was I just a pawn?” he asked. “Or was I –”

Your friend.

“You weren’t a pawn.” Joshua sipped his coffee, his eyes half-lidded as he watched Neku. Maybe saw the relief that flooded through him at that. The hard knot that had settled itself in his chest with that fear began to release. Until Joshua added, smiling sweetly. “You were my trump card.”

Why did Neku care? He hadn’t liked Joshua, the whole week they’d worked together. But he must have, because at some point he cared. At some point, he hadn’t wanted to see Joshua die.

And he had wanted him alive. In the RG. With him.

He asked, “just a toy?”

Joshua’s expression didn’t change. He still had his cup to his lips.

“You were my partner, Neku.”

Was his voice softer when he said that? Or was that Neku wishing that he was something more than sarcasm and manipulation to this kid?

“So, you cared what happened to me?” he pressed, because the knot was tighter than ever now and it hurt.

“If I didn’t, do you think I would have protected you from the Grim Heaper?” Joshua replied. He slowly put down his cup, and kept his eyes on that. It was so dark he could probably see himself reflected in it. “Do you think I would have given my life for yours?”

Neku remembered that. Remembered Joshua, surrounded by light, looking down at him. He’d looked like an angel, with his fair hair swirling around him. With that soft, fond smile he’d given Neku.

It had been that smile that had changed things, he thought. The smile he was still stuck on. It was not the smile that the composer gave a toy. It was a different kind of smile. A smile that made Neku’s chest feel strange.

And yet, now he knew the truth.

“You didn’t. Not really,” he muttered.

“As if it didn’t hurt.” Joshua had the grace to sound offended.

“Did it?”

“Oh, very much.”

“Good.”

If Joshua wanted to play the game so badly, then he deserved a taste of what the players had.

“Ouch.” Joshua put a hand to his chest, trying his best to look hurt, but he was still smiling. “Still catty, are we?”

“Only to you.”

A raised eyebrow. “Should I be honoured?”

“Why would you be honoured by the opinion of a mere mortal?” Neku’s voice went to a growl. It so often did, with this boy. The confusion and anger was settling inside him like snow.

Joshua’s hand dropped. Neku remembered that hand, taking his own and pressing it on his chest. Remembered feeling Joshua’s heartbeat and being so jealous. Being so determined to win and get his – and Shiki’s – back.

That hand leant across to him. Laid palm up on the table, as though he was trying to get a stray cat to come to him. And weren’t his eyes just ever-so-soft as he looked at Neku. They caught the light and looked like a warm brown. The kind of brown with a bit of red mixed in.

“Because you’re _my_ mere mortal,” Joshua said. He tapped Neku’s mug with the back of his knuckles. “Drink up, or it will get cold.”

Neku took a sip that was mostly cream, because Joshua still had that strange persuasion about him. Because the cream and the marshmallows did look good and Neku wanted hot chocolate to chase the pain in his chest away.

“I don’t want to be yours,” he snapped.

Joshua’s hand was still on the table. He was still leant forward, looking up with glittering eyes. “Do you not?”

And that was the very question Neku’s inner voice had asked. Because he was still here. Still wanted to see Joshua.

“The only reason you saved me was so you could win _your_ game.” Neku pressed forward so that he didn’t have to consider that question.

Joshua shrugged his shoulders the tiniest amount. “You couldn’t afford to lose.”

“Could you?” Neku took another sip, and got through to the chocolate this time. It burnt his lip, and he cursed under his breath.

Maybe Joshua would smite him for his insolence.

He didn’t. He looked amused, for a moment, before his eyes seemed to lose that shine. Then he rested his head on his arm, toying with the coffee cup.

“I wanted to,” Joshua said, quietly “I wanted to end it all.”

It felt as though something had struck Neku through the chest. That feeling wasn’t unfamiliar, but it was different hearing it from someone else. Someone he cared about.

Because, as much as he hated to admit it, he cared about Joshua. He cared what happened to him. Cared about whether he ended it all. Didn’t want him to.

Maybe that was it. Maybe that was why he cared. Because he understood Joshua, in a way that he didn’t quite understand other people. Understood those feelings. That made sense, he supposed. He’d been picked because Joshua had related to him.

That wasn’t great. It was pretty awful.

But it had got Neku thinking. That maybe he wanted someone who felt that way about him. Who didn’t want him to end it all.

“Then why didn’t you?” he asked. That was a big one too. It was one he thought about almost constantly. The UG was still there. Why did Joshua keep the UG? Why did he save them all?

What the hell?

“Because,” Joshua said. His eyes found Neku again and he nudged his foot against Neku’s. “Because you changed your mind. Changed my mind.”

Neku had that power, apparently. To change someone like Joshua’s mind. When he really had just ran stubbornly ahead like a bull in a china shop. Had fought anything that the Reapers told him to destroy, including his own partner.

Except his own partner.

When it came down to it, he couldn’t shoot Joshua. It wasn’t a matter of caring more about him, it was a matter of not shooting his partner. The one time that he hadn’t blindly lashed out had been the one time it saved lives.

What a joke.

He rested his cheek on his fist, also frowning.

Joshua’s foot nudged his again. “Why don’t you work for me? Be a game manager.”

Control the lives of people?

“No.” No way.

“Or an angel,” Joshua continued as though Neku hadn’t spoken. His head was nestled in his arms and he was smiling up at him. “You can help players. You can stay friends with me, forever.”

There it was. That squirm in his gut.

“What makes you think I want that?” he asked.

“Because if you hated me, you wouldn’t keep coming here.” Joshua’s shoe ran up Neku’s leg. He nudged it away. “Wouldn’t keep searching for me. Instead of being with your girlfriend.”

Neku blinked. “Girlfriend?”

“Shiki Misaki.”

“She’s not – we’re not –“ Neku’s cheeks felt warm. Way too warm. “No.”

He liked Shiki. Shiki was his friend. And there was a part of him that thought maybe she wanted more than that. But he didn’t think he felt that way. Truthfully, didn’t know what _that_ way really felt like.

Joshua was enjoying this, now. More than he should. Ran his shoe back down Neku’s leg, and he shifted away this time.

“Interesting.” Joshua tilted his head to the side. “Beat, then?”

Neku could have laughed out loud – if he was that kind of a person. Instead, he raised an eyebrow, and allowed his lips to curve upwards. “Are you kidding?”

Joshua’s foot found his leg again. “So, it’s only me you’d come here for a chance to see everyday?”

“You’re the one I have questions for.”

The hot chocolate was drying down the side of Neku’s cup. He continued drinking, trying to ignore Joshua’s attempts at footsie. He was up now, off the table, because Neku had interested him.

Joshua liked to be interested. He was a moth searching for a flame.

“Who’s the one you have feelings for?” he asked, toying with the ends of his hair. When Neku scowled at him, he added, “You get to ask your questions, I get to ask mine.”

“I don’t like your questions.”

“That’s the point.” And didn’t Joshua just smile like a Cheshire Cat?

“Does it matter? How I feel about you?” Neku’s heart pounded, and he hated himself for it. Because it did matter. It was why he was here, in the first place. But it didn’t, because he was alive and Joshua was the composer. “We can’t be friends.”

Joshua’s smile dropped. He let a curl bounce back to its usual place, looking almost hurt. “Can’t we?”

“How would that work?”

“Become an angel.”

Die. For real. For good. And decide to spend an eternity with Joshua? Trapped in Shibuya? He’d never left Shibuya apart from a few holidays to the beach – never expanded his world – and yet Joshua was asking him to narrow it down. The audacity. It left anger sparking through him.

“If you want me to that bad, why don’t you kill me yourself?”

“You’re still mad about that.” Joshua sounded surprised. Maybe he was. That Neku would possibly be angry with him for shooting him. He supposed, from Joshua’s viewpoint, Neku had no reason to complain. He’d got his life back. Got his friends back.

Why should he be anything but grateful? – that was what Joshua was thinking.

He continued his drink – deciding that he’d had enough of this now, and that he wanted out. Joshua sipped from his own. Quiet, for once. When he was quiet, he did look like an angel with that curling, fair hair. He could be a pop singer – he had the looks for it.

It made Neku feel startingly average. But then, he’d always felt that way. It was why he’d started bleaching his hair in the first place, even though he hadn’t meant for it to turn so – orange. He’d just wanted something different.

“Staring is rude, Neku.” Joshua loved saying Neku’s name – loved pulling it out, like stretching chewing gum.

“You really wanted to end it all?” It wasn’t the question he’d been thinking of. He’d been thinking of asking him if he was only part Japanese.

Joshua frowned. Just for a moment, he looked alarmed. (And there was very little Neku had done to alarm him.) Then he rested his cheek on the heel of his hand, and looked at Hanekoma’s bar, every bit a sulking child.

“I’ll tell you when you remember your headphones,” he said, slowly. Those eyelashes cast dark shadows over his cheeks. His meaning was clear – when Neku let Joshua into his world, he would repay the favour.

Neku paused. He’d never seen him look like this – almost _sad_. And he didn’t like it.

“Thanks for the drink.” Neku finished his.

Joshua didn’t move. But his eyebrows rose, and he gave Neku a sideways glance.

“Neku Sakuraba? Thanking little old _me_?”

“I’ll take it back.”

“Your welcome.” Joshua’s foot nudged Neku’s again. He looked at him, but his smirk was different from usual. There was something softer in it. He tapped his lip. “You have…”

Neku’s hand flew to his mouth and Joshua laughed. Not his usual giggle – he sounded like a normal teenager.

“Here.” He pushed a napkin across the table, and Neku rubbed at his lips. His face was warm.

“So – next week?” he tried desperately to change the subject, still feeling self-conscious.

Joshua paused.

“Let’s keep you on your toes and say that I’ll find you.”

*

He’d never say it out loud, but it was weird seeing the real Shiki. Not bad weird. Just – weird. Because seeing Eri made him think of that first week, of that last day. It was the girl who looked like _that_ who fought at his side. Who told him her secrets.

So it was weird getting used to the glasses and the brown hair. Weird seeing the real Eri because he felt like _that_ was the girl that he knew. But she didn’t know him. At all. Hung out with him sometimes, but he just couldn’t keep up with their trend babble. Could only take so much of Shiki ripping into his dress sense. (Why would he change it? It wasn’t like there was a need to wear certain brands _now_.) It was the worst kind of third-wheeling.

Still, when he got her on her own after school, it was the Shiki with glasses that he needed to tell, though he didn’t know what he had been expecting to hear. Just – a second opinion.

“I've been seeing Joshua.”

Neku had no idea why he told Shiki, but the words were out of his mouth before he could think them over.

“Joshua?” Shiki froze with a fry half-way to her mouth. They were sat at the Sunshine near Hachiko. Until now, they had been having a normal chat, glancing at their phones every five minutes to check that northing ground-breaking had happened. (Or to make sure there wasn’t a mission.) “Why?”

He didn’t think he’d understand. “Because.”

Shiki’s eyebrows knitted together. She looked concerned, and why shouldn’t she be?

“Neku, you won the game,” she said, leaning across slightly. “Three times. It’s over.”

He kept staring at the table. “I won twice.”

“I think saving the world counts as a win.” Shiki sounded unimpressed. “So you're going to poke a bear with a stick until Joshua – I mean, who knows –”

He could see that she was gesturing wildly out of the corner of his eye, but it was easier to talk to the table. “I think he’s lonely.”

“What?”

Neku looked up into wide, disbelieving eyes. “He’s lonely.”

Shiki shook her head. “Not your problem.”

“But _I_ was yours.”

Neku had been lonely when he started the game. Shiki had decided that they were going to be partners.

She shook her head again, fry drooping in her hand. “That's different. You didn’t –”

“Try to kill you?” Neku raised an eyebrow.

Shiki finally looked down. Put the fry back, biting her lip.

“You were tricked.” Her voice was soft.

“Doesn't matter.” Neku’s nuggets were getting cold. He closed the box, and tried to sound – reasonable. “I'm not that different from him. That's why he chose me.”

And if he didn’t, Neku’s world would have stayed the same.

“But it's over,” Shiki said. That was true. They were done with all of it – the reapers, the noise. Everything was back to normal. “You have your life.”

Neku didn’t like normal. Normal was stifling.

“It’s different for you,” he said. “You had an accident. I was murdered.”

“And hanging out with your murderer.”

“He murdered me to save the world.”

Shiki stared at him. “Do you hear yourself?”

Neku did. And surprised himself, because he sounded a lot like Joshua. He still didn’t believe it, but he wanted to justify himself when Shiki was looking at him like that. He wanted her to understand he couldn’t just leave the game alone.

But she just furrowed her brows further. Even Mr Mew seemed to be looking at him with reproach.

“Never mind,” he muttered.

“Just – go careful,” Shiki said. “You can never tell what Joshua is thinking.”

Neku couldn’t. But he knew Joshua would not hurt him. Suspected there was a part of him that cared for Neku – he could never explain that to Shiki. And that was partly why he had to keep coming back to him. To Joshua’s world. He had to understand it.

“He won’t hurt me.”

“How can you know that?”

“I just –” Neku shrugged. “Know.”

Now that his game was over. Now that Neku had proven himself. He knew that Joshua wouldn’t pull that same trick. There was a part of him that was sure if he ended up in the game again, that Joshua would lower himself down to player again.

That part probably was fantasy. Wishful thinking.

Shiki still stared at him as though he was crazy, so he asked about school. About Eri. About her designs and encouraged her to wear them. It was all so normal. So small to him. And yet, it was his friend’s dreams. That was what they had been fighting for – so what did it matter if it felt small to Neku? For Shiki this was big.

So he pushed Joshua’s brown eyes to the back of his mind. Pretended to be normal. For his friend’s sake.

*

Neku found himself at the café even on days that he wasn’t meeting with Joshua. To continue trying to choke down black coffee. To be anywhere but his own home, because after three weeks of being on the streets, it didn’t feel right to be back. Still felt weird to lay down and sleep instead of just blacking out and waking up back at The Scramble.

The streets were his home. If he wasn’t walking through them, he felt restless. And yet – walking through them, all he could think about was the noise. All around him, but he couldn’t see it now. The noise was there, shinnigami were there – how could Neku keep going around like nothing was happening?

“I want to do graffiti,” he told Mr Hanekoma one afternoon. 

“Why?” He leant on the counter, smiling, but it was the kind of smile an adult has when they’re indulging a child. “Want to be CAT with me?”

“No.” As if Neku ever could do anything like CAT’s work. “I want to do my own stuff.”

Hanekoma raised his eyebrows, with that same smile. He wasn’t taking Neku seriously.

“Oh, you want to compete with CAT?” he asked.

“No.” Again, as if he could. “I just – I just want –“ Neku sighed. “I need to get stuff out and putting stuff on papers not doing it for me.”

Hanekoma became serious then, as if he understood. Maybe he did. “Show me.”

“Is this a test?” he asked.

“Would you rather it be a psych evaluation?”

“Hm.” A psychologist would have a field day with Neku, if he told them the truth. It wouldn’t matter if they believed him or not.

He reached into his bag and pulled out his sketchpad. He’d brought it cheap and had been scribbling in it with biro since he came out of the UG. The things that might be around him. The things that still lingered in his dreams.

Neku still dreamt of fighting noise. With Shiki, or Beat, or Joshua. Sometimes all three. Sometimes he dreamt about Pi-Face, or Shades, and their noise. Sometimes his pins didn’t work, sometimes they were unstoppable. But he always woke feeling –

Like he had been more of a life, and purpose when he was dead over when he was alive.

Mr Hanekoma was flicking through the sketches. They were messy and overlapped each other – pen over pencil, sharpie over it all. But they weren’t designed for anyone else. They were noise symbols, and pin symbols – pin ideas, too.

Hanekoma tapped a skull symbol. The same skull symbol that stuck in Neku’s mind, even if no one else remembered that fad.

“Looks familiar.”

“Ha, ha.” Neku stared at the page. Thinking about that pin being dropped onto his chest. His not-breathing chest. That _pin_. The way Shades had used it to change Shibuya. Those last days with Beat had been unbearable. Everyone thinking the same thing, constantly, so that the same refrain pressed up against his headphones. Sometimes he still thought of it, out of nowhere, and felt terror seize him, just for a moment.

He was safe now, and he didn’t wear pins at all anymore. But that didn’t stop him remembering what it had been like. Running from everyone. Reapers coming to attack them straight up. Constantly running – running out of time. Beat’s clock was counting down.

And yet – the original player pin – did Joshua design that? Why did that matter so much to him?

Hanekoma must have seen something on Neku’s face. He pushed the sketchbook back.

“Alright, I’ll give you a can or two,” he said. “But you're alive, kiddo, which means you can get caught. We'll have to meet after dark.”

“Fine by me.” He didn’t need to hesitate.

And got a raised eyebrow for that. “You don’t have parents?”

“I do. They're busy.”

It wasn’t a complete lie. They both worked – living in Shibuya was expensive. Since starting Highschool Neku was used to coming home to an empty house and making his own dinners. But it wasn’t just that –

“Poor little phones.” Hanekoma wasn’t very sincere. He rested his elbows on the table as Neku closed his sketchbook, slipping it back into his bag. “What’d they say after you disappeared for a month?”

That was it. It had been a month of Neku’s life and nothing changed.

“You want me to say they didn’t notice I was gone?” he asked.

“They didn’t though, did they?”

Hanekoma had hit the nail on the head. They hadn’t. Neku had walked through the door, dazed, confused, wondering how he was still alive – why he was still alive, what had happened to the UG and his friends – and they hadn’t even been home. Hadn’t batten an eyelid to see him on the couch after a month of being dead.

He figured that he knew why.

“Joshua?” he asked.

“Joshua,” Hanekoma agreed. “We can’t have people coming back from the dead after three weeks, can we?”

“Not everyone was dead three weeks.” Every other winner had one.

“Think yourself lucky you didn’t end up a noise.”

Neku thought of Rhyme. The little creature on Beat’s shoulder. Thought of how it saved him, against Konishi. That kid really was something else.

“Even the people who are dead for a week,” he continued. “How does that work?”

Hanekoma tapped his fingers on the counter. An insistent, quick rhythm. “There’s not always a lot of winners of the game.”

“Of course not.” Why would there be? Why would it matter who lived and who died to Hanekoma?

The man shrugged. “Some people just aren’t cut out to fight noise.”

Fighting noise. Neku remembered the way pins just used to click with him. He remembered the rush of trying out a new one – seeing if he could control rocks, or fire or lightning now. Maybe it was meant to be scary, or stressful, but instead it gave him an adrenaline rush. As though he was sky diving, or snowboarding.

“But it was –” He couldn’t say fun.

And yet Hanekoma guessed what he meant anyway. “You enjoyed it.”

“No. I didn’t – it wasn’t enjoyment.” Not exactly. Neku searched for the right word. Remembered how it felt to be saving people. “It was – it felt like I had a purpose.”

“Not now?”

“That's what I'm trying to sort out.” He looked down at his sketchbook. Flipped a couple of the pages. There were more noise symbols – the ones he couldn’t get out of his head. Patterns of their wings, legs, claws. Reaper wings. A lot of them.

Hanekoma tugged it away from him. Flicked through the biro scribbles and the messy pencil sketches. There were patches of colour – red pen, green highlighter. Neku normally squirmed at people going through it. But this was the kind of stuff he wanted to put on buildings. Bring the UG to the RG.

“You miss the noise?” Hanekoma asked.

“Miss knowing who’s possessed by them.”

Hanekoma paused, fingers tracing over where the biro had made dents in the paper. He tapped them again, then nodded, for a moment looking as though there was music only he could hear.

“Alright. I’ll help you spray paint,” he said. “If it helps you get the game out of your head.”

“I can’t do that.” Neku stared at the symbols in front of him. No, he couldn’t just let this go. Couldn’t just – continue, like this wasn’t all around him.

“Can’t? Or won’t?” Hanekoma shook his head. “Either ain’t good, kiddo.”

He knew that. Knew that people fascinated with the game were the kind who became reapers. At the very least, the kind of person who would go in again. But it had felt like he was making a difference – fighting the unseen enemy of Shibuya.

Neku couldn’t walk away from Joshua. Not now. Not when he was back to being alone – he shouldn’t be alone – no one should be. Especially when bad things happened because the Composer had no one to talk to.

And maybe – being with him made Neku feel less alone as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N): This update is slightly late - I was at work yesterday, and meant to do it when I got home but forgot, lol  
> Anyway, I hope you're all still enjoying it and thank you for all of the support so far!! <3 xxx


	4. 4

Chapter Four

It wasn’t the day they usually met. It was mid-way through the week, late, and Neku had about to throw something at Joshua and run out the other end of the underpass.

The something would have been the spray paint can in his hand. Because he had seen a dark figure leaning against the wall he was working on, and his heart had stopped. Caught. He’d been caught.

But it was only Joshua. Watching Neku with amusement, like he always did.

He relaxed, heart kicking back into gear – still a painfully unfamiliar feeling – but he didn’t push down the hood of his sweatshirt, or uncover his mouth from the mask he wore. (Kept paint fumes away and made it less obvious who he was.)

“Now, where have I seen this symbol before?” Joshua asked. He looked up at the freshly sprayed paint. The shape of a pig noise. The only kind of noise that Neku hadn’t hated to see, even though they were always a pain to erase. Some he had to trust Joshua to take care of.

Neku didn’t reply. He tossed the black back into the dufflebag he had with him, and picked out a lime green instead. He shook it.

“Mr Hanekoma said you had started to do this,” Joshua continued. Great. Now angels were gossiping about Neku. How much of a cry for help was that? “I understand, you know.”

Neku paused. His finger resting on the nozzle. For once, he could believe this boy. The game was everything to Joshua. Completely unescapable.

“Have you always been the composer?”

It was easier to ask than to think. To admit that this was the only way he could get this out, because none of his friends wanted to talk to him, and it was the last thing that he wanted Joshua to know about him.

“No.” Joshua leant his back against the wall, folding his arms. He looked intently at Neku for a moment, before he turned away. “But maybe I was always meant to be.”

“Why?”

Joshua’s lips curled upwards. “I see dead people.”

“And wanted them gone.” Neku raised the spray paint, but didn’t press down.

“The whole UG.” Joshua paused. “It's lonely. As the composer.”

It was a not so subtle hint. Neku grimaced.

And yet he still kept talking. “You could pass it on to someone else.”

“Then what?”

“Be here. In Shibuya.” Neku realised what he wanted, even as he said it. “With me.”

It left him with whiplash. But Joshua was different – from everyone. And he wanted to keep seeing him. Not just in a shop or café – or when he decided to appear.

“Is that a marriage proposal?” Joshua’s voice dripped with sarcasm.

Neku ignored him.

“You could hang out with us.” Though he wasn’t sure his friends would approve. Tough. He continued, because suddenly he could see a plan – a plan he hadn’t known that he wanted. “We could - get away from here. Travel the world.” He looked at the graffiti in front of him. The whole underpass was covered with it. “The world begins with us.”

“And what?” The yellow light of the subway made Joshua’s hair seem gold. “Grow up? Grow apart? Grow old? Die.”

He started spraying, ducking his mouth into his collar. “Grow apart?”

“People grow apart.”

“Not always.”

“ _My_ offer still stands.” Joshua kicked off from the wall. Stepped towards Neku – around him. “I like that offer more.” His fingers closed around Neku’s wrist. Not hard – barely there at all – and yet, he stopped spraying. “Us. Forever. In the UG.”

Their faces were very close. Joshua had hold of his left hand, and Neku’s arm was still a wall between them, but it didn’t seem effective.

There was that power Joshua had – that persuasive touch that had Neku lowering his wrist without any resistance. The wall was gone, and Joshua’s chest was a hair’s breadth from his own. They were about the same height, and that was so strange, considering what Joshua was.

And, considering what he was, why should he have such an interest in Neku? Why would he keep coming back to _Neku_ for questions that he barely answered? That was a silly thing to ask, Neku knew why. Because he was Joshua’s player. He’d chosen him. He’d chosen him because –

There was a reason for that. A reason that was becoming increasingly clear to him the more time they spent together. The more that Joshua touched him. Knew him, like no one else did.

“You're intense,” Neku said. He slipped his wrist away, raising his hand to continue spraying.

Joshua didn’t move. He stayed close, even though the paint fumes couldn’t have been good for him. “I don't want you to leave. You're my very special chosen one.”

“Not anymore, Yoshiya.” It was satisfying, to say that. To draw the curve around the outside of the pig noise symbol.

Joshua stepped around him again. So that he could rest his head on Neku’s shoulder and watch, fingers just grazing his hips. He hadn’t liked that. Neku using his first name. “You’ve gotten a little big for your boots, dear.”

No one else could get that mix of annoyance and – and what, from Neku?

“Erase me then,” he said.

“I couldn’t.” Joshua’s chin dug into him. His arms wrapped around Neku’s stomach and he should push him away, but he didn’t. “Not you.”

It wasn’t like he was melting into the touch either. He held firm. Kept spray painting, because he was still angry. He was still a storm inside, and soft nicknames and persuasive touches weren’t going to fix that.

“But you’d have me erase you. To the composer.”

He felt Joshua shrug. “You’d be a fairer composer than I am. More players would survive your game.”

“More players deserve to.”

Not Joshua’s chin anymore. His forehead. Like Neku was the only thing keeping him up – like _Neku_ was the enigma to him. The one all the questions were for.

“Why did you want to win?” Joshua whispered. It seemed to echo in the underpass. “You were like me, that first week. Hated everything and everyone.”

“I didn’t remember all that.” Neku hesitated. “And then I met Shiki, and she – changed things. Convinced me that I didn’t have to hate everyone.”

“Because she was pretty?”

“I don’t fancy her. Never did.” Mean, but true. Even when she did have Eri’s body – the body she thought was ‘prettier’, Neku had never thought of it. He thought he was starting to know why that was too. “It was because she was – annoyingly peppy and overbeat but that was because she wasn’t. Because she was a whole world that I was forced into – her skills and her dreams. It seemed fair, that if she cared more about life than I did, then she should get it back.”

Joshua was silent. Neku was done spray painting, but it didn’t feel enough. He still held it up, wanting to spray it in a mess over the symbol.

“I didn’t remember CAT at the time. Didn’t remember that motto was my reason to keep going. But I got it back in that second week. And I was playing for Shiki.”

“And the third?”

He wanted Neku to say that it had been for Joshua. Because Joshua had died for him. And that was true – very true – but he wasn’t going to admit that.

“I wanted to live,” he said. “Is that so hard to understand?”

Joshua’s arms tightened. He pressed into Neku, and it was all he could do not to drop the spray can on the floor.

“Yes. It is.” Joshua paused, almost swaying, as though he wanted Neku to step away from an edge. “How do you go on living now? Knowing that all it takes is one car to send you back into the game?”

“Or a bullet.”

This wasn’t so different, was it? Him, Joshua, graffiti.

At least the reminder made Joshua pull away. Neku felt like he could breathe, again. Like a weight had been lifted from his chest. He dropped the can into the bag.

“Details.” And he turned just in time to see Joshua flicking his hair.

“It wouldn’t kill you to apologize,” Neku said.

Joshua looked at him, with either pity or concern on his eyebrows.

“It would,” he said. His voice back to being silky. “It absolutely would.”

“But I thought you wanted that.” It was a mean joke – a joke he shouldn’t make but he wanted that apology.

Joshua looked at him, crossing his arms and letting his hair fall into his face. He looked up, the image of a scolded child.

“I’m sorry, Neku,” he said, and as he talked his tone became less soft – grew teeth. His eyes kept glinting in the dingy light, and why did it make it look as though he was ready to strike lightning from the sky? “I’m sorry that by killing you I made you realise that you wanted to live. That by killing you, you saved your three dear friends. That by killing you, you saved the UG and yourself.”

He stepped closer again. One foot either side of Neku’s. Almost chest to chest. With a careful finger – piano hands, Neku thought – he pulled the mask down to Neku’s chin.

There was something in his chest – something warm that was stuck in his throat.

“I hate you,” he said. Tried to spit the words.

Joshua shook his head, making his hair sway. He smiled. “No, you don’t.”

“How would you know?” It was an effort to push the words through his lips.

Joshua tilted his chin, looking for a moment like he was going to kiss Neku. Would he jerk away, if he did? Would he take it as anything more than Joshua trying to get a rise out of him? He’d mastered the knack of arching his back so that his shirt just brushed Neku’s.

“If you hated me, you’d want nothing more to do with me. But you keep coming back.” Joshua’s voice was low, his eyes searching, as though he couldn’t understand why Neku would do it either. He let Joshua’s fingertips rest on his chest. “Tell me, why is that, Neku?” There was a kind of want behind Joshua’s dark eyes that Neku had never seen before. He had to know this. “What do you want from the Composer?”

Neku wanted –

Answers. He wanted answers. He wanted answers so that he could move on. But did he want to? Move on? Or did he want to see Joshua because he didn’t want to move on? Because he couldn’t – couldn’t get past what he’d done. What they’d done.

Because he’d been chosen by someone so like him.

His heart hurt. It pounded against his ribcage in a solid rhythm. He couldn’t explain it – this – but his arms came up. Around Joshua. Hugged him so that they were pressed against each other.

“What does the composer want with me?” he asked, in Joshua’s ear.

It took a moment, before Joshua returned the hold. He tilted his head, chin digging into Neku’s shoulder.

“Your headphones.”

“Don’t have them.”

He’d hugged Shiki, when they’d met each other again. Rhyme too. Even Beat had done his best to smother Neku with his chest. But they had been brief – limited to a squeeze. Now he was just – holding Joshua. Could feel him breathing against him. Felt his heart thudding – Joshua must have been able to feel that. He wanted him to.

Look – Neku was _alive_.

"Bullshit."

"Have to be able to hear anyone coming." That was true. He’d be arrested if he was caught doing this – he needed to stay alert. Hanekoma didn’t have that problem.

Joshua paused. His fingers clenched in Neku's hoodie. His voice was soft, barely more than a whisper. "Don't you trust me?"

And that was the question, wasn't it? That was always the question. Did Neku trust his partner?

“Yeah.” That was his answer, always now. Since Shiki, in that first week. Since Joshua in the second. Whether he should have or not didn’t seem to matter. Hanekoma’s rule was trust his partner – and Hanekoma was CAT, so he must be right. “But there’s a difference between that and –"

“Really, truly letting people in, and laying yourself raw for them.”

Letting someone into his world. To try and understand him.

Neku swallowed. “You're not the kind of person I want to be laid bare in front of.”

There was a pause. Joshua pulled away from Neku – but slowly. He didn’t look at Neku as he stepped away – back to the wall. His fingers – piano fingers, Neku thought – grazed the paint he’d just sprayed on. It was probably still damp enough to turn the tips of them black.

His heart was still raising, and he didn’t quite know what this was. Didn’t want to put a label on what this was.

“I was lonely.” Joshua’s voice didn’t have its usual silkiness. Wasn’t teasing or sarcastic, and it seemed naked without that shell. “Very lonely. So lonely that I wanted to –"

Voices interrupted him. Voices and footsteps – very close to the underpass. Voices that didn’t sound like the drunk or the homeless – no one else besides cops were out so late.

“Shit.” Neku grabbed his bag by the strap – grabbed Joshua’s hand, and ran.

There were shouts behind them – angry shouts – and the sound of a pursuit.

Joshua tugged him to the side, down a flight of narrow steps. Branches grabbed at Neku’s clothes from one side and he stumbled with how narrow they were. They were near Miyashita park, under the walkway.

They kept running – Neku’s bag collided painfully with his legs as they did – down the path until they were hidden by the leaves. Neku stopped, catching his breath. His heart was thudding so loudly in his ears that he couldn’t hear if they were being chased or not.

His fingers were still in Joshua’s. But Joshua hadn’t moved away from him – he was looking up in the direction of the main path, slightly bored. Of course – he didn’t have to run. He could have slipped back into the UG. But he hadn’t.

So Neku didn’t move either.

After a minute, it was clear they hadn’t been spotted again. That the voices had passed.

“Well, that was fun.” Joshua’s sarcasm was back.

“You were saying?”

“Hm?” It was too dark down here to see anything more than a silhouette, but Neku just _knew_ Joshua had raised an eyebrow at him.

“About being lonely.”

Joshua’s fingers squeezed his. “Headphones first.”

Which wasn’t fair, Neku wanted to say. Not when Joshua had been so willing to share with him just a few minutes ago. When he’d already _started_. It was only fair to finish. Only safer to have Joshua lay himself bare first.

But then, he realised – Joshua had never played fair.

*

He tried talking to Beat, since he didn’t think Shiki would appreciate it. Would tell him not to poke the Composer with a stick and to be glad that he was still alive. Not to mention – he had no idea what she would say to the other stuff.

It was _Shiki._ She’d be supportive. Maybe.

But there was a – _something_ – about her that made Neku suspect she fancied him. And this was the kind of information he didn’t want to give her if that was true.

So, Beat it was.

They were in the record shop at the weekend. Neku was flicking through the boxes, whilst Beat drummed his hands on them, living up to his name. He’d be decent on the drums.

Neku meant to lead up to it. But he didn’t.

“I think I'm gay.”

That was, he supposed, the less dramatic part.

Beat glanced at him. Carried on drumming. “Aight.”

Neku blinked. Let the records fall back into place. His heart was racing it’s way to his mouth, for _that?_

“What? That's it?”

Beat shrugged. “You said not to turn into a deep thinker on you, so I'm not.”

Well that was fair. But it was also the easy bit. The part that he’d been trying to phrase correctly since the last he’d seen _him_. Because he was still trying to see if it fit.

He tapped his own fingers against his leg, forcing himself to say it.

“I think me and Joshua –"

“Joshua?” He frowned. “That pretty boy you were hanging around with?”

Pretty. He _was_. Objectively pretty. But that wasn’t why Neku felt like this. It was the teasing, the bickering, the wanting Joshua to get away from him, but wanting him to touch him at the same time.

“That's the one,” he said.

“The one who wanted to destroy everything?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit.” Beat stopped drumming. He looked at Neku. “ _He’s_ your choice?”

“I didn’t _choose._ It just kind of – happened.”

Except Neku had chosen to hang around Wildkat. He had chosen to keep seeing Joshua.

“Unhappen it. You don’t want to be messing with that.”

But he did. He did want to keep seeing him. Not because he couldn't let go of the game.

Because he couldn't let go of that snark. That smile. That - glint of loneliness he had seen. Joshua was like him - and he couldn't let that go.

“I can help you find someone else.” Beat flicked through the record box, uninterested.

“One of your friends? No thanks.” It was safer to be sarcastic.

Blue eyes blinked at him, genuinely hurt. “What’s wrong with my friends?”

“They’d find out I can’t skateboard in a five meters and laugh me out of town.”

Beat laughed, then. The records fell back into place in the box with a thump. “I could teach you, yeah?”

That sounded like a lot of bruises and scrapes to Neku. It sounded like falling over, whilst Joshua, unseen, laughed at him.

“Even Rhyme can do it,” Beat continued, holding the door as they left the record shop.

“Because she’s Rhyme. She can do anything.”

“True that.” Beat grinned. Proud. But then grew serious. “But, look – she don’t remember much about – you know – so don’t mention anything about –“

“About what?” Neku raised his eyebrows.

And got a clap on his shoulders – enough to leave a sting – for his troubles. But at least Beat was happy. Happy and not seeming to remember their conversation about Joshua. Didn’t even care that Neku liked boys.

That was the thing, though. The thought that niggled him as he kept shopping and joking with Beat – like everything was normal – it was only Joshua that he’d felt like this with. And Joshua was an angel, so did gay and straight even apply? Would it be more apt to say Neku liked ghosts?

He wasn’t even that. There was no one to ask about, in this situation. (Because he _definitely_ wasn’t going to ask Hanekoma anything. Just the thought of his smug face – smirk and raised eyebrows – made Neku’s stomach turn.)

All he could do was keep going. Keep going, and see where all of this led. For better, or for worse. Because there was no way that Neku Sakuraba could leave all these emotions – the UG and its Composer – alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N): I just wanted to write a scene with Beat, honestly.  
> But yeah, I really like this chapter, and can't wait for the last one vuv  
> Thanks for all of the support on this fic so far - I really appreciate it!! <3 xx


	5. Five

Five

Neku kept his headphones in the bag for the next week. He continued going to Wildkat. Hanekoma had seen his graffiti – always had tips for him, and yet always high-fived him afterwards. This week, he sat facing the door, his stomach trying in earnest to digest itself.

His music would lay him bare to Joshua. And he’d finally know Joshua – the real Joshua, instead of the layers of sarcasm and flippancy. The one he’d got glimpses of. Wanted more of. Not all the time, but –

Standing in the underpass, with their arms around each other – another moment like that – just one.

It was the end of the week when Joshua strolled in, his hands in his pockets. He stopped Neku’s table, smirking down at him. There was a different glitter in his eyes than usual. A fondness.

“There you are,” he said.

“Let's go somewhere else for this.” Joshua nodded to the exit.

Neku stood. “Will you disappear once we step out the door?”

They were close. Almost close enough for Joshua’s hair to tickle Neku’s cheek. And it was then, that Joshua stepped away, glancing over his shoulder. “Will you?”

Neku scoffed.

“You could at least buy something,” Hanekoma said, as they passed him.

Joshua ignored him. They were close to the doors now, and Neku took his elbow.

“Follow up question – are you armed?” He could just imagine this all being a set-up to get him back in the game. A part of him would be furious. Another part of him would be relieved at getting to fight again.

“No.” Joshua pulled away. Held the door open. Waited until they were a few steps away from Wildkat before continuing. “I know where I'd like to go.”

“Alright.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You'll follow me just like that?”

“Guess so.” News to Neku too. “Guess I’ve been around you enough to know its not worth the argument.”

Which just scrambled his insides. Joshua started walking, his hands still in his pockets. “I thought about a blindfold.”

He paused. Took a breath, even though his heart was in his throat. “I'd trust you.”

“Really?”

“I wouldn't like it. But I'd trust you.”

Joshua smirked, and there was that twinkle. A softer kind of twinkle. “That’s my Neku.”

“I’m not yours,” Neku muttered, though it didn’t have the usual snark.

They continued in silence. Back through Miyashita park and the underpass.

“Just like old times.” Joshua practically purred. “Isn’t it, partner?”

“I prefer having a heartbeat.”

"Overrated."

Neku rolled his eyes. And Joshua chuckled. It made Neku's mouth twitch - it was so hard not to smile now.

They continued, and Neku suspected that he knew where they were going. It was like old times, walking in silence through the crowds, glancing back to make sure the other was there every five seconds.

It was back where everything started that Joshua stopped.

CAT's mural.

And Joshua's fingers grazed the wall, expression distant.

"You'll be doing better than this soon," he said.

Neku dropped his bag at the foot of it. Looking up. Still felt the same feelings of awe and hope - the kind of feeling that made him feel like he could do anything. Be anything.

He scoffed. "Not likely."

"Hey." Joshua grabbed Neku's wrist. Frowned. "I chose you because I believed in you.” He raised an eyebrow. “Don't make me shoot you again just to reinforce the lesson."

His heart was racing. Joshua really thought that of him. Thought that he would be as good as CAT. And he knew CAT. Well.

But he'd chosen Neku.

Neku’s face was hot. "Motivating.”

Joshua smirked. Leant against the wall and folded his arms.

"Headphones, dear?"

He had them. Knelt to tug them out his bag, and handed them over.

Joshua slipped them over his curls. The blue seemed all the brighter against his pale hair. It looked strange - like he was wearing Neku's clothes.

Like he wanted to block the world out.

No, not block it out. Let someone else's in. Neku fiddled with his mp3, all too aware of eyes on him. Waiting. He took a breath and felt his heart on his tongue.

Then pressed play.

Joshua's expression stayed the same. He stayed still - eyes on the floor so that his pale eyelashes cast shadows on his cheeks. His lips were slightly parted.

He looked like an angel.

The thought was a surprise. But it was true. And it made Neku's heart was so hard that it hurt.

He was listening to Neku's music. Hands over the headphones. One tapped slightly. And that boy should play piano.

Joshua looked up. Smiled slightly. And it was always so hard to tell whether he was teasing or not.

Neku's pulse was a palpable thing in his throat. He couldn't move. Could only wonder if that first song was over and kick himself for leaving it on shuffle.

He sat. Watched Joshua's fingers tap to the beat. Watched his hands fall into his lap after a moment. Watched one reach over and curl around his wrist. Put it to the headphones.

"Listen." Joshua slipped the headphones down around his neck. Turned up the sound so they could both hear a tiny approximation of it.

They were sat close. And could be seen. Neku didn't think he cared. Didn't think he would be ambushed here. If he was, he had the Composer sat next to him. So they listened together, arms pressed against each other. After a few minutes, he did not feel that nagging fear in his stomach.

He wasn't calm either. Not when Joshua was looking into him and his world. But it did not seemed like so terrifying a thought.

"Very nice," Joshua murmured, slipping the headphones off as the last song ended. Handed them back to Neku, and their hands grazed. It felt like sparks came from the touch.

"You're just saying that."

Joshua shrugged. "Don't really listen to music."

Which Neku couldn't understand. Not one bit.

"Doesn't the quiet drive you insane?"

"Doesn't the noise?"

Neku laughed, shaking his head. He tapped the headphones. "These helped. In the UG."

"That explains why I always had to save you." But there was something soft in Joshua's voice. Almost- fond.

His brown eyes were warm.

"Your turn," Neku said.

"Hm?"

"You said you'd tell me - about - if I gave you my headphones." His heart hurt, it was thudding so heavily.

"I don't recall." Joshua let his hair fall over his face as he turned.

"Yoshiya."

"Joshua. Have some respect." But he did not sound angry.

"You did say that." Neku nudged him. "Dear."

"Mm." Joshua tilted his head back, against the wall. Looked up at the cloudy sky. "Well then, yes. It was lonely." He shrugged. "I'm the Composer. I don't even plan the games, the reapers do that. And the reapers only want a promotion. They only want - to be me."

Joshua smirked, slightly. "It leaves me in my swanky apartment with - what did you call him - Shades? I can talk to players, but they get confused, suspicious, die within the week. If they don't, they don't want anything to do with the game." He sighed. "There's Hanekoma. He's – he talks me through things - talks to me about nothing - talks me out of things. Tried to talk me out of what I did."

So at least Hanekoma tried to stop Joshua from destroying everything.

“Couldn't you - run a cafe - like him?” he asked.

“Can you see me in the food industry? Or retail?” Joshua rolled his eyes. “No, thank you.”

“But you can still be seen. When you want to be.”

“Being around normal people – only reminds me that I’m – not.” Joshua’s sharp elbow dug into Neku’s ribs. “Don’t look like that. You’re different?”

His heart stuttered. “How?”

“You know how.”

He didn’t. Not really. But he could not bring himself to ask why, in case he heard something he didn’t like.

“So – its lonely at the top?” Neku asked instead.

Joshua paused. Still hadn’t turned his eyes away from the sky. His fingers grazed Neku’s as they fell out of his lap, and that had to be on purpose.

“No one - could know me. Really understand me as a person. And I couldn't understand anyone else. I had no idea what they were thinking - what their world was.” A half-sigh. “It's the same with the players. They all - miss each other. Everyone. Misses each other. No one understands that there’s a whole world inside someone else. And I- had to stop it. I had to - stop the - it wasn’t a weight. It was the reverse. It was like floating away. Everything was - meaningless - and I couldn't - I had to get out.” Joshua’s voice almost broke. He took a breath – gave a shaky smile to the clouds. “But you don’t get out of being the composer. Not that easily.”

Neku’s chest ached. Because he knew – knew that crushing loneliness. That was him. To know that existed in Joshua too – he pressed his fingers against Joshua’s.

“Which led to the game.”

“The game to end all games.” Joshua’s hand turned, to link into Neku’s, and he found his breath catching. “I wanted to take as much of the madness with me. If that was all of the UG then - fine. It would save a lot of heartache. A lot of false hope.”

The promise of getting to live again. The reality that so few actually did.

Joshua must have guessed what Neku was thinking. He turned to him, head still on the wall, and raised an eyebrow.

“And I bet you're only hanging around me to make sure it doesn't happen again,” he said. His voice had lost some of its usual shine. “Make sure I don't get lonely enough to destroy everything.”

“I'm hanging around you because I – I get you.” Neku’s cheeks felt warm. “Because you're my –“

Joshua’s face was close to his. Eyes dark. “Your what, Neku?”

“My friend.” It sounded unconvincing, even to himself.

“Is that all?” Almost a pout. Joshua’s thumb rubbing across the back of Neku’s hands to send sparks through him. “What if I scanned you?”

“You don't have a player pin.”

“I can set a mission.” He could feel Joshua’s breath on his cheeks now. “Scan Neku and find out exactly how he feels.”

“Is there a game on?” It was a welcome change of subject. Things had been getting too – close. “Now?”

Joshua finally pulled away. Brushed his curls back behind his ear. “Maybe.”

“How many people are going to survive?”

“Depends how many of them make it through.” Joshua glanced at him, and huffed. “Don't look at me like that, it's meant to be hard. And you're just avoiding the question.”

“I am.” Neku found himself smirking. He could see why Joshua did this all the time now – there was a certain satisfaction that came with it.

“That's not fair.”

“I'm not even your friend.” This was a test now – of Neku’s. To see what Joshua did if he tried to pull his hand away. “I'm just your plaything.”

Joshua’s fingers tightened. Kept their hands linked, between them.

“Oh, no. You're so much more –“ He looked at him then, and his cheeks seemed pink. “You haven't been my plaything for a long time. You changed my mind. Do you know how incredible that is?”

“You're what did that. Meeting Shiki. You. Beat. That all changed my mind.”

“Is that a thank you?” The pink was gone now.

“You're welcome.”

“Excuse me?” But there was a twinkle in Joshua’s eye that showed he wasn’t angry.

“Didn’t I pull you away from all of that?” Neku asked. Marvelled at the feeling of Joshua’s hand in his own. “Didn’t I- understand you? Show you that people can be understood?”

He knew he had. Today had proved that. Neku knew Joshua.

Joshua – who stared at him, wordless, for a long moment. Almost as though he’d never properly looked at Neku before. Then he brought their joined hands to his mouth, and ran his lips across Neku’s knuckles. Just enough to make his skin tingle, and his breath hitch, however much he tried to hide it.

“Maybe so.”

And what could Neku say to that? He couldn’t think of anything – nothing at all, his mind felt as though it was full of static. Which, of course, only made Joshua look triumphant. Almost laughing. As though this was just a game. He was still casual, almost uncaring, as he stood and said that he had “important things to do.”

There was a glint in his eye, as though expecting Neku to ask what that meant, but it was all he could do to nod. It wasn’t all a game. Joshua had proved that, this time. He’d been honest – really honest about how much pain was stored away inside him.

Neku had seen a glimpse of Joshua Kiryu’s world.

*

He stood in front of the wall. Just around the corner from CAT’s mural. He’d never be able to top that – still didn’t understand how paint on a wall could make him feel – like that. But he was starting to.

Because he’d had an idea. An idea that he’d rushed to get done before the next week – before he saw Joshua again. He’d stuck in his mind – that glimpse Neku had inside him. And an old conversation, from the first few weeks of coming out of the game, and sitting in the café, had come back to him.

He’d asked, “Do you have wings? When you're - like the reapers?

“No.” And Joshua had been almost curt.

“Huh.”

“Why do you ask?”

“Figured you'd want to be flashy.” Neku shrugged. Sipped coffee that still needed three sugars for him to swallow it.

“Well, I have _wings_.” Joshua leant back in the chair, looking almost affronted. “But they aren't the reaper's wings.”

Interesting. Neku had to admit, he couldn’t imagine those on Joshua’s back. They were much too plain. Looked much too much like bats wings, for someone like him.

“What do they look like?” he asked.

Joshua leant forward. Narrowed his eyes in a familiar way. “What would you do to find out?”

“When are you going to stop threatening to kill me?”

“When it stops making you glare at me like that.” Joshua chuckled. Flicked his hair out of his eyes, and considered the question properly. “My wings - are like Hanekoma's.”

“What are Hanekoma's wings like?” Neku glanced to where he stood at the bar, buried in the newspaper. Couldn’t imagine reaper’s wings or anything else on him.

“Like mine.” Joshua’s lips curved upwards.

“You're awful.”

“You adore me.”

And Neku had paused. Because even then, he’d known there was that – something – in between them. He’d managed to mutter, “you wish.”

“I _know_.” And hadn’t Joshua just looked so smug at that? As confident as if he’d had a player pin himself.

Adore wasn’t the right word. He wasn’t about to fall at Joshua’s feet. But – he did have these feelings. The pains and aches in his chest. He cared about Joshua. He wanted to – be with him. More talks in the café. More like – sitting close and holding hands. More like hugging in the dark.

Maybe this was his offering of that. Maybe it was just a tease. That seemed to be how things went, when it came to the two of them.

Still, it was a good piece of work. His hands, all the way up his arms, had been traced with white and silver paint for days. There had been a gold streak in his hair, too, that had only just faded. All he could hope was that Joshua had been too busy to follow him, unseen this week.

Neku headed to Wildkat. Satisfied. Still had to wait for Joshua to arrive – because he was always late. Just to keep Neku on his toes.

He stood to meet him. Said he wanted to show him something, and ignored Joshua grumbling that he wanted a good, strong coffee. There would be other times for that.

“I’m surprised you’d even follow me,” Neku said, when they were back on the street.

Joshua shrugged. Smirked. “You interest me, Neku. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you excited.”

He brushed the backs of their hands together. Neku took a breath.

“Shut up.”

“Make me.” There was a twinkle in Joshua’s eye when he said it.

Neku bit his lip. Thought, just for a second, about what it would be like to kiss Joshua – before his mind turned to static.

He was being watched. Closely. His cheeks prickled with heat. For a moment, he considered changing the plan. Taking Joshua shopping, just to annoy him, instead.

No. He couldn’t. He wanted Joshua to see it. Even if it was just to admire his artwork. Because Neku was proud of it.

When they were close, just at CAT’s mural, he paused.

“Wait,” he said. “Close your eyes?”

Joshua stopped, and crossed his arms. “Really?”

“Yes.” Neku nudged him. As though that would make him move. He’d never been able to do that – even when they had to go everywhere together. He waited.

Joshua stared. Raised an eyebrow ever so slightly in that infuriating way of his.

"Don't make me use a blindfold."

His lips squirmed upwards, then. "Maybe I'd like that."

Neku narrowed his eyes. "Yoshiya."

He laughed, light-hearted.

"Alright, alright." And his eyes fluttered shut, eyelashes casting feathery shadows on his cheeks. He was still smirking, even as Neku took his elbow to guide him forward. "You know, you're the only one who calls me that."

He'd said, when they'd met that his parents called him Joshua. But that was the only time they'd ever been mentioned. Neku assumed they were gone. Knew that he couldn't ask.

So he guided Joshua around the corner. To where his finished painting stood, hidden from most people's view. Yes, he'd gotten the height right.

He lined Joshua's back up with it, and stepped back. Smiled at the effect, finding his phone. Knowing he had moments before Joshua's smirk dropped. He still had his arms folded, but it made for a better effect.

After a moment, Joshua opened his eyes.

" _This_ was what you wanted to -" He frowned at the phone in Neku's hand. "What are you doing, Neku?"

Before he could answer, Joshua had whipped around.

To see the wings spray painted onto the brickwork. Over old tags and silly faces. Two white angel wings. The feathers swirled into each other, shades of pearl and silver – not sharp like the noise. A gold outline, along the wing bones and down the edges to make them stand out. A very pale blue to make it look like they were on a sky. Any sky, anywhere.

Joshua stared, completely still. Then, slowly, he put one hand on the wall. Fingers that would have been good on the piano tracing the shapes that Neku had carved from a can.

When he turned back, his eyes were wide, lips just parted.

"You didn't tell me what they looked like." Neku was warm, again. He stepped away from the railing overlooking the park. "So, I had to – make a guess."

Once he was close enough, he held out his phone to show the picture, and Joshua looked dazed as he stepped forward. Saw himself, with wings on his back.

A long moment. A moment where Neku noticed there was pink in Joshua's cheeks again. Noticed a freckle on his cheekbone, usually hidden by hair.

"Well, it’s not accurate." He kept his sarcasm. But then dark eyes met Neku's, and they were soft. All of him was soft, as though an outer shell had been cracked away. And Joshua's voice was barely more than a whisper. "But I like yours better."

Neku still had the phone in his hand. The image still loaded. Joshua, with huge white wings spreading either side of him. An angel, with a smirk and crossed arms. It fit. Because he generally didn’t behave like one. But if they were talking guardian angels, then – he _had_ made sure Neku didn’t die for real.

“Joshua, I-“ He didn’t know how to say it – why _exactly_ he had done it. Why he couldn’t leave Joshua alone. Why it was hard to catch his breath when they were stood this close.

“Sh.” A hand on his wrist, to gently nudge the phone down. He sighed, looking over Neku. “You're not supposed to do this.”

“What?”

“Make me – feel – like this.”

Well then, Neku couldn’t help but think it was just the slightest bit of payback.

“Like what?” he asked.

For once, it was Joshua who looked exasperated. He gave a sharp sigh, “Ne _ku_ –“ and went to push him. But then his hand stilled. Over Neku’s chest. “Your heart.”

It was pounding. Almost painful in his ribcage. Making it all very obvious – how he felt. So he moved, without thinking, elbows against the brickwork, and his mouth against Joshua’s. His heart stuttered when he felt Joshua kiss him back. Almost experimentally. It was the same kind of thrill as fighting noise.

He pulled away – when he felt Joshua smiling – to whisper, “I don’t want you to be alone again.”

Neku felt Joshua’s breath hitch against his own. Felt his fingers tighten in his shirt front, as he brought them together once more. Leaning into him.

“You’re going to stay with me?” Joshua barely moved away from Neku’s mouth.

He got the courage to touch Joshua’s hair. To brush pale curls out of his face. He still looked at Neku the same way – a teasing glint in his eye and a defiant tilt to his chin, but it wasn’t so infuriating now. It was – Joshua.

“I guess so,” he managed to say.

Joshua kissed the corner of his mouth, and pulled away too late for Neku to catch him. “You could try and sound more enthusiastic.” 

“I know –“ Neku held Joshua’s cheek in the palm of his hand, and that seemed a strange thing. Strange and extraordinary, and if someone had told him that, in the second week of the game, he would have told them there were crazy. “What it’s like to be alone.”

“I know.” Of course. That was why he’d picked Neku in the first place. “We’re birds of a feather.”

And he rested his head against the wall. Where it was surrounded in soft, white and silver feathers. Smirked to drive home the joke.

“I’m trying to be serious.” There was a familiar frustration in Neku. He half turned away, Joshua’s chuckle niggling at him.

But Joshua caught his cheek. Turned Neku back. And he was soft again. “I know that too. But I can’t let things be easy for you. Neku.”

Hadn’t he always loved to tease out Neku’s name like that?

He stared at Joshua, mind still catching up to what had happened. They had kissed. It was clear – what everything inside him was. And there was no going back now. Yet, he had the strange feeling that it had always been inevitable.

Neku still felt numb as Joshua took his hand. Turned him, gently. Stepped out from in front of the wall, and nudged Neku into his place.

So that he had the wings either side of him, he realised. Wondered what that looked like. Wondered if his cheeks were red.

“Hm.” Joshua tilted his head to one side. “They look good on you.”

He realised where this was going. “No. I said.”

“How else are you going to make sure I’m not lonely?” Joshua stepped forward again. Traced his fingers up Neku’s chest. His heart thudded, as though it was calling out, and of course it was noticed. Of course brown eyes twinkled at him like stars.

“Not yet,” Neku conceded.

Joshua hummed. Traced the line of Neku’s lip with the edge of his finger, so that it sent sparks dancing through him.

“Alright. For now.”

The discussion was far from over. And Joshua would be relentless, Neku knew that. But he was just as stubborn. And he knew that he’d never be able to turn away from the game. Not completely. He’d always be drawn back to it – and Joshua.

Maybe one day he would relent. Become an angel. Help players. But stood here, with Joshua in front of him – the promise of more kisses on his mouth –

He was very glad to be alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N): And that's all I've got for this one. >u>  
> Thanks for all of the support!! I really appreciate it!!! <3 xx

**Author's Note:**

> (A/N): This is the only chapter set in game, and then the fic will be more like the summary says, lol.   
> And I wrote this a WHILE ago. This chapter I did as soon as I finished the second week back in June, I think?? But I had a lot of other wips and wanted to wait until I had the time to write the whole thing out to post it. I really enjoyed putting the game mechanics into this chapter though. >u>  
> But I'm very pleased with how the whole thing came out, and can't wait to share it all! I'm going to update weekly, on Fridays   
> Thank you for reading, and hope you enjoyed it! <3 xx


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